CONEY ISLAND — He's alive!!
Safari Sampson, the legendary protector of The Outer Boroughs, emerged from the sands of Coney Island beach late Thursday night dragging behind him the massive corpse of Scorpius the Antediluvian; the dreaded Scorpion Lord who ruled these lands before the waters rose and the world forgot.
Beachgoers reported seeing a hand burst from the sand around 11 p.m., followed by a shoulder, then the unmistakable man, err legend, that so many believed dead.
Years ago, Sampson was pulled beneath the beach while battling Scorpius, who had awakened from his ancient slumber beneath the Cyclone with ambitions of reclaiming his former domain. Witnesses that night described a terrible churning of sand, an inhuman shriek, and then silence. We mourned. We held vigils. Someone even put up a plaque. We should have known better.
Sampson emerged Thursday clutching the Scorpion Lord's severed tail in one hand and dragging the rest behind him like a man hauling a very large piece of furniture they found on the street corner. The creature measured nearly fifteen feet from head to stinger.
Outer Borough residents can rest easy. The Antediluvian King will not be reclaiming his realm.
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
This reporter caught up with Sampson at a bar on Surf Avenue, where locals had gathered to celebrate his return. The following transcript has been lightly edited for clarity, though clarity was in short supply. Sampson was on his seventh whiskey. His new companion, a small scorpion he has named "Shortclaw," sat on the bar beside him, swaying slightly, while Donovan played on the old juke.
BROOKLYN HERALD: Mr. Sampson, the borough is thrilled to see you alive. Can you tell us what happened down there?
SAMPSON: [squinting] Down where?
HERALD: Beneath the sands of Coney Island. You were gone for almost twenty years! You look good.
SAMPSON: Of course I do! But it only felt like a few months to me.
HERALD: How did you escape
SAMPSON: With patience my lad. There are tunnels under Coney Island, endless tunnels and temples and [gestures vaguely] worms. Very large worms and dark dingy prison cells, and that's where that son of a bitch had me.
[At this point, Shortclaw lunged at my notebook. Sampson laughed.]
SAMPSON: He likes you.
HERALD: He tried to sting me!
SAMPSON: That's how he shows affection. Shortclaw was down there with me, you know. Betrayed his own king. Helped me escape.
HERALD: The scorpion... helped you?
SAMPSON: [nodding] They kept me in a cell. The kind of lock you needed a claw to turn. Shortclaw opened it.
HERALD: Why would he help you?
SAMPSON: [looking at the small creature] See that right claw? Stunted. Never grew right. The other scorpions made fun of him. Chased him through the tunnels. Never let him eat. He was nothing to them.
[Sampson gave shortclaw the bottle of Glenlivet. Shortclaw began drinking from it.]
SAMPSON: He tried to pick my pocket. You see I still had a bagel slice in it. He was hungry so I gave it to him. He came back every night after that and I couldn't get rid of him. But when it mattered, he chose a side.
[Shortclaw, visibly drunk, turned and gave Sampson a gentle headbutt against his weathered hand. Sampson rested his fingers on the creature's back.]
SAMPSON: The Scorpion Lord had ten thousand soldiers. I had Shortclaw. [smiles] I got the better deal.
HERALD: What's next for Safari Sampson?
[At this point, a woman in a red dress approached the bar and placed a hand on Sampson's shoulder.]
WOMAN: You're Safari Sampson.
SAMPSON: [turning and speaking with a great booming voice] I AM!
WOMAN: I have a place in Sea Gate. It's quiet.
SAMPSON: [long pause] Is it now?
WOMAN: Very.
SAMPSON: Well not for much longer! C'mon Shortclaw!
[Sampson pounded his drink in a flash, placed Shortclaw on his shoulders, and stood.]
SAMPSON: [to this reporter] Interview's over.
HERALD: But I had more questions—
SAMPSON: [already walking away] Print what you've got.
HERALD: But, I'd love to tag along on one of your adventures one day!
[Shortclaw turned and snapped at me one final time as they exited.]
SAMPSON: Oh and if you see my step-grandson let him know I want that old amulet that I gave him back. Now be gone newspaper man!
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The corpse of Scorpius the Antediluvian has been transported to an undisclosed location for study. City officials have not commented. The plaque on the boardwalk has already been scheduled for removal. Safari Sampson is back. And Pete, if you are reading this, your grandfather wants his old rock back.