SUNSET PARK — What appeared to be humanity's first contact with extraterrestrial life ended in chaos Friday afternoon when federal immigration agents opened fire on visitors from what they claimed was "Planet 9," in our solar system. ICE killed at least one, prompting a declaration of war from another before it fled the scene.
The craft landed shortly after 2 p.m. in the park, according to witnesses. Two beings emerged with open arms and began broadcasting a message of peace in all languages.
"They kept saying they came in peace," said one witness, a cook at a nearby restaurant who declined to give his name. "They said they'd traveled for years to reach us. They were very friendly." The beings reportedly described themselves as emissaries from a planet in the outer reaches of our solar system and expressed interest in "establishing relations."
Within minutes, several unmarked rental vans showed up and out came Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Witnesses say agents surrounded the visitors, shouting commands. One of the beings was thrown to the ground. Moments later, shots were fired.
"It didn't resist," another witness said. "It just kept repeating that it came in peace. Then they shot it."
Shortly after the shooting, unmarked black sedans arrived carrying individuals in dark suits who witnesses described as "federal, but wearing black ray-bans, very well dressed like they were Matrix cosplayers." These individuals attempted to access the craft but were turned away by ICE agents, who had established a perimeter.
A heated exchange was observed between the two groups and during the confusion, the second being—which agents had reportedly placed in a chokehold—broke free. Witnesses say it scurried toward the craft and paused at the entrance. "It said something like 'this will not be forgotten,'" one bystander recalled. "Then it said the word 'war' and I think he gave them the finger. Then it went inside and the whole thing just... lifted off." The craft was gone within seconds. No sound. No exhaust. Several car alarms went off simultaneously.
"One of the suits completely lost it," a witness said. "He was screaming at the ICE guys. Saying they had no idea what they'd just done. Called them idiots. Said something like 'We've been preparing for this for sixty years you morons!'"
The body of the first visitor was removed from the scene in an unmarked rental van. Its current location is unknown.
A spokesperson for ICE released a brief statement Wednesday evening confirming that agents "responded to a report of unlawful entry" in Sunset Park and that "the situation was handled according to protocol."
When asked to clarify whether the agency's jurisdiction extended to interplanetary visitors, the spokesperson declined to comment.
Sunset Park where the craft landed remains cordoned off.
UPDATE — 11:47 p.m.
Right before press, reports emerged of a transmission being received all over the world from an unknown origin.
One official stated off the record: "It's a countdown."
When questioned as to what for, the official went quiet. He took a long moment before answering.
"Tell your family you love them."