ANOTHER DIPSHIT MISSING AFTER IGNORING WARNING SIGN — “WE HAVE RULES FOR A REASON,” SAYS NEIGHBOR
Authorities are searching for Alex Kintner, 34, a Williamsburg resident who disappeared Tuesday evening while attempting to mail a letter on Bedford Avenue. Witnesses say Kintner was last seen at a blue mailbox outside a closed café shortly after sunset. Moments later, he was gone.
The box in question has long carried the warning "DO NOT FEED THE MAILBOX", a warning locals say newbies treated as a joke. According to bystanders, Kitner ignored an elderly man’s attempt to stop him, slipped his letter through the slot, and was immediately eaten by the mailbox's giant jaws of death.
“I told him not to bother it,” said Edward ‘Eddie’ Marasco, 78, who lives in the neighborhood and has spent years warning the wannabe hipsters about that mailbox. “We have rules for a reason. You follow them, you stay alive. You don’t, well… the city notices.”
Marasco insists the warnings aren’t superstition but survival. “People think I’m crazy, but those signs are there to keep us safe. You don’t tap on storm drains, you don’t whistle at traffic lights, and you sure as hell don’t feed a mailbox. That’s just common sense.”
City officials have since sealed off the area, citing “unusual supernatural activity.” A spokesperson for the Department of Urban Safety reminded residents that all municipal fixtures are harmless when left alone and urged the public to report any “humming or breathing noises” from street infrastructure.
Only Kintner’s shoes and a half of a stamped envelope were found at the scene. As one officer at the site quietly told reporters, “Some people just don’t respect the rules.”
LOCAL MAN MISSING NEAR GOWANUS CANAL — ROOMMATE URGES PUBLIC TO “LOOK SHARPLY”
Brooklyn, NY — Police are searching for Daniel Wolfe, 42, a Gowanus resident who went missing late Tuesday night after reportedly taking “a short walk to clear his head” near the Carroll Street Bridge.
Standing at 6 feet 4 inches, Wolfe is a striking presence—known in the neighborhood for his designer shirts, piercing stare, and a level of confidence that often bordered on theatrical. Friends describe him as “magnetic, occasionally infuriating, and somehow always right about everything, at least in his own mind.”
His roommate, Pete Lang, says Wolfe’s disappearance has left him deeply unsettled. “Dan’s not the kind of guy who just disappears. He loves being seen,” Lang told The Herald. “He doesn’t text, he doesn’t call—he just shows up, usually with an espresso and a story about someone who ‘admired his energy.’ The silence is… unnatural.”
According to police, Wolfe’s designer shirt and wallet were found near the edge of the canal early Wednesday morning. His phone has not been recovered.
Several locals reported seeing a tall man matching Wolfe’s description pacing along the canal around 10:30 p.m. One witness described him as “talking animatedly to his reflection” in the water before vanishing from sight. Another man—a known local eccentric—insists he saw something “long and slick, with eyes like the dead” rise from the water and “drag the guy under.”
Authorities have not confirmed any connection between the disappearance and the decades-old folklore of a creature said to live beneath the canal’s surface. Locals have long whispered about strange movements in the murky water—a legend that began after a rash of missing pets in the early 2000s when a whale found its way into the canal and died. Officials dismiss such stories as urban myth. “He’s been saying that thing took people for years,” said one neighbor. “Most folks just call him the Canal Prophet.”
Still, some say the water’s been bubbling more than usual this week.
Wolfe, who described himself on social media as a “creative consultant, lifestyle visionary, and part-time philosopher,” had recently been working on a podcast about “the psychology of charm.”
“Dan could walk into a room and make everyone there feel like they were in on something—something important,” Lang said. “That’s why this feels wrong. He wouldn’t leave the spotlight willingly.”
Lang added with a nervous laugh that, despite the worry, “it’s actually nice and quiet for once in the apartment.”
Police from the 76th Precinct confirmed late Thursday that Pete Lang is now being questioned as a person of interest in Wolfe’s disappearance.
As the search continues, the oily waters of Gowanus ripple quietly—reflecting the city’s lights, and perhaps something else beneath them.